But the problem is, you don’t know. You don’t know if it’s a problem you have with yourself, if it’s fate and karma and all the forces of the universe out to get you, or if there is just something fundamentally wrong with you. 

And the thing is, you don’t know what you ever did to deserve this kind of shit. 

I guess in the end, it all boils down to the fact that some people are just plain lucky. Others? Well, we’re just plain. 

Doesn’t life suck?

And the sad thing is that I don’t think it ever will. It’s as if the question I’ve been asking myself since the beginning of junior year has never been answered, as if my life is stuck in a perpetual cycle of where the hell am I going with my life and when the hell will I ever really live for something that makes me feel purposeful? 

Is it a question of will? That maybe it’s what we do with what we have that takes us to where we want to be? But the thing is, I hate where I am right now, I really do, and I don’t see how it will bring me to what I envision for myself because I don’t know what I want. I just know that what I want is definitely NOT what I’m currently doing. 

People have told me to really dig deep to find what I want out of life and the only thing there, really, is that I want to be happy. Not necessarily completely content, because contentment makes you stagnant, but happy in the sense that I know that wherever I am right now, I belong there because it’s what I was born to do. 

But the problem is that I don’t know how to get that kind of security. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, even if I don’t see it yet, most of the time, I feel as if everything is born out of random circumstance and luck. 

And I guess in the end, I just want the assurance that my life is going on the way it’s meant to be. But I don’t know how to believe that it does because no matter how much I try,  I just can’t believe in something that blindly. 

So is that why I’m still stuck in this three-year rut? 

I guess all we’re looking for is some kind of assurance that we are in fact going somewhere. Maybe that’s why there’s religion. It gives a sense of comfort, of feeling secure, that we’re not just…aimless wanderers waiting for death.

But in the end, what ARE we waiting for? What are we living for? What makes us want to continue existence? What’s the point?

Religion of any kind gives an answer to that…but the thing is, religion will work only as long as you actually believe it. Many people, myself included, appreciate religion and see the reason for it–but we don’t necessarily believe the dogma it preaches.

So the question is, are we really going somewhere or do we just want to believe that we are because it makes us feel better? The tricky thing with religion, I’ve realized, is that its major requirement is faith. Without it, religion is useless. You can rationalize religion up until a certain point. After that, you just have to blindly believe the rest.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m having a really, really hard time trying to believe that there’s a reason for everything–that God wills it, that it’s meant for you, etc. And I suppose the question I’m really asking is, is there really a plan out there for us, or are we just deluding ourselves into thinking that there is because it makes us feel better?

In the end, I guess we just have to either trust blindly that there is…or don’t believe there is at all. And sometimes, it’s more comforting to trust blindly–but other times, it just feels like an empty hope that sets us up for disappointment.

You’d think that I should be SO USED to rejection now that it shouldn’t affect me–but it does. It hurts, a lot. And I think the reason why this one hurts more than it really should is because I’ve accepted that I’m never going to be successful in any other aspect of my life except my career–and even THAT is looking very improbable now.

So I ask: WHAT NOW?

Care to answer, God, universe, fate?

Or at least give me a damn sign.

You know, sometimes, I want to feel that something. It must feel nice because so many people crash and burn while pursuing it and end up still wanting it. What drives it though? What makes people seek it? Is it just the feeling? Is it the adrenaline rush? Or maybe, maybe it’s just something that makes you feel alive, happy, tingly all over. It makes you feel like you’re more than just existing but that you actually live.

Am I making sense? Who knows. It’s Venus and the New Moon, really. I think I’m going to have more respect for the universe after this. Because I feel romantically pensive. Just as was predicted by the stars and planets.

But I’m not going crazy. I just think that since I’m sick of living the way I’ve been living, I ought to try a new philosophy. And this one will revolve around the universe. Like I shall release all the blame from myself and attribute it to the fact that it’s not meant for me. And that it’s not my fault but that it’s the will of the universe.

Maybe this is denial but it makes me happier to think that there’s a greater will out there, that I’m not just alone, vulnerable to the random forces of nature. Or in other words, I suppose you can call it God. (Thank you, Philosophy and Theology classes)

So I guess what I’m saying is, maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason for all this. And maybe, if I accept that, then I don’t have to dwell on the things that have depressed me and gotten me down.

And maybe, I’ll be more willing then to dive, headfirst, fearless, when the time comes. Because I know that there’s a plan for me. And I’ll know that no matter what, I’ll be okay.

I love Nada Surf.

I know the last page so well
I can’t read the first
So I just don’t start

I can’t find my way in
I’ve tried again and again

I’m on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

My Philosophy of Religion teacher asked our class this question: If taking your own life is so easy, then what’s stopping you from killing yourself right now?

That made me think. A lot. It’s just such an–to use philosophy terms–such an existential question, to quote James, a genuine option. What IS stopping us from pulling the trigger, overdosing, whatever else?

People say that it is because we want to experience the rest of life. Isn’t that an empty hope? We say we want to experience the rest of life just because we believe–we want to believe–that we still haven’t fully experienced the goodness, fullness of life. In short, we want to live some more because we hold on to the hope that nicer, better things are coming. That we will experience a happy ending, that the life we are about to experience holds better and more opportunities for us.

We are, in essence, living because we exist on the hope that life gets better. But what happens if it doesn’t?

I guess that’s why so many people kill themselves then.

The question is, why? Why is alcohol consumption the answer to so many things? To boredom? To depression? To celebration?

What is it about being drunk that’s so…desirable? So needed? Is it that buzz in your head that just lets you feel like you have no care in the world? That spinning around, that feeling of no regrets, of chances taken without being afraid, of just not feeling anything but happy?

There’s a feeling of just not caring. And I guess that’s what’s so appealing about alcohol. It makes you lose your inhibition, of always being just so conscious of yourself.

I guess it’s that feeling of freedom, of knowing anything is possible, because hell, no one will blame you for it, you’re wasted. It’s that power of knowing that whatever you do now is okay, is forgivable.

Being intoxicated is like a protective shell and the more shots of vodka you take, the harder that shell becomes, the less impenetrable. Because you, the real you, is untouchable, it’s off-limits. Only the drunk you exists, only that uninhibited person remains. The rest of you–your stupid, pathetic depression–is gone for a while.

No wonder then that hangovers are horrible. They’re your back-to-reality check. The happy you is gone. The crap you is there to stay once again.

Maybe I’ll write another entry when I’m feeling less… muddled.

Ironically, I am officially cleared.