It’s the middle of the night, I have so many things pending, I should be getting ready for another day of work and yet, I’m writing away my frustrations. Some things haven’t changed.
And the sad thing is that I don’t think it ever will. It’s as if the question I’ve been asking myself since the beginning of junior year has never been answered, as if my life is stuck in a perpetual cycle of where the hell am I going with my life and when the hell will I ever really live for something that makes me feel purposeful?
Is it a question of will? That maybe it’s what we do with what we have that takes us to where we want to be? But the thing is, I hate where I am right now, I really do, and I don’t see how it will bring me to what I envision for myself because I don’t know what I want. I just know that what I want is definitely NOT what I’m currently doing.
People have told me to really dig deep to find what I want out of life and the only thing there, really, is that I want to be happy. Not necessarily completely content, because contentment makes you stagnant, but happy in the sense that I know that wherever I am right now, I belong there because it’s what I was born to do.
But the problem is that I don’t know how to get that kind of security. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, even if I don’t see it yet, most of the time, I feel as if everything is born out of random circumstance and luck.
And I guess in the end, I just want the assurance that my life is going on the way it’s meant to be. But I don’t know how to believe that it does because no matter how much I try, I just can’t believe in something that blindly.
So is that why I’m still stuck in this three-year rut?
